How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

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Product Description

“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal—or the challenge of whether and how to forgive—here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.”—Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

Everyone is struggling to forgive someone: an unfaithful partner, an alcoholic parent, an ungrateful child, a terrorist. This award-winning book provides a radical way for hurt parties to heal themselves—without forgiving, as well as a way for offenders to earn genuine forgiveness.

Until now, we’ve been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a gifted clinical psychologist and award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for earning genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party.

Beautifully written and filled with insight, practical advice, and poignant case studies, this bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

  • How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
  • When is forgiveness cheap?
  • Can I heal myself – without forgiving?
  • How can the offender earn forgiveness?
  • What makes for a good apology?
  • How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

Review

“If you are struggling with issues of betrayal—or the challenge of whether and how to forgive—here is the most helpful and surprising book you will ever find on the subject.” -- Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger

“Clear, insightful . . . a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.” -- Publishers Weekly

“Finally a book has been written that teaches couples how to make genuine forgiveness a reality without rushing toward a superficial peace. This book can help couples construct a marriage that never existed before, one based on deep understanding and trust.” -- John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure

“This book is a treasure—practical, authentic, illuminating, and wise. It’s like a breath of fresh air that puts forgiveness in a new and revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.” -- Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind and Inner Peace for Busy People

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt in a personal relationship. Dr. Spring cuts through all the clichés surrounding forgiveness and views it within a broad spectrum of common relationships—mother-daughter, father-son, student-teacher, husband-wife. We owe her a debt of gratitude for this enlightened and penetrating view of a universal human dilemma.” -- Peggy Papp, author of Couples on the Fault Line: New Directions for Therapists

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge. A clinically informed personal guide for the offender and the offended. How Can I Forgive You? should be read by us all.” -- Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want

“Spring really shines. . . . Armed with her insights, offenders and those they’ve offended have hope of recovery.” -- Bellingham Herald

From the Back Cover

Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.

This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

  • How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
  • When is forgiveness cheap?
  • What is wrong with refusing to forgive?
  • How can the offender earn forgiveness?
  • How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

About the Author

Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., is a nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. In private practice in Westport, Connecticut, she is the author of the award-winning How Can I Forgive You?, The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, and Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent.

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Customer reviews

4.4 out of 54.4 out of 5
320 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Do not let the title fool you.
Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2020
On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients... See more
On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients are not available. Do not let the title fool you. This is an amazing book laid out really simple concepts. The situations and concepts that did not apply to my situation, I was able to acknowledge and move on. It provided talking points with my therapist & I was able to move on from a lot of things that were road blocks to my healing. Hope this review is helpful.
6 people found this helpful
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J. Sargent
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
More valuable than silver and gold
Reviewed in the United States on March 7, 2019
Other reviews can tell you about the content of the book. I am simply here to say that this book is more precious to me than silver and gold. If you are struggling, carrying a heavy load of anger or resentment - read this book! Likewise, if you are the one who needs... See more
Other reviews can tell you about the content of the book. I am simply here to say that this book is more precious to me than silver and gold. If you are struggling, carrying a heavy load of anger or resentment - read this book! Likewise, if you are the one who needs forgiveness - read this book! Do whatever you need to do to get a copy. Read it, mark it up, read it again, refer back to it. I love this book for how it has helped me, and I am so grateful to the author for it.
10 people found this helpful
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moomoomummy
4.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
A refreshing change
Reviewed in the United States on December 14, 2016
For a person who is struggling to come to terms with the aftermath of adultery, divorce and the subsequent marriage of the ex-spouse to his affair partner, this book has been a great help. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and your child so badly? And... See more
For a person who is struggling to come to terms with the aftermath of adultery, divorce and the subsequent marriage of the ex-spouse to his affair partner, this book has been a great help.

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and your child so badly? And who still insists that everything is still your fault?

According to Janis, you can choose not to forgive but to accept and come to terms. I am glad to be able to know that it is not a dichotomy between forgiveness and unforgiveness.
19 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
SO HELPFUL- INSIGHTFUL- ON TARGET. I didn''t think a book could help the amount of pain I have been feeling, but this one did.
Reviewed in the United States on March 18, 2015
OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from... See more
OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from and what to do about it. In this book I not only understood myself better but also my husband, my mother, children and others and how they handle their feelings.
I have read numerous books and have even done some counseling in my earlier years and rarely get excited about a book. However, this is definitely one of the most helpful and on target books I have seen. It is well-written in that it is simple, straightforward and very easy to read. Many people in 12-step programs would benefit, and even more if they are not. You will likely find and understand yourself in this book as well as those you love, including the person/people who hurt you. This book will help you heal yourself and your current (and future) relationships, including with the person who hurt you, whether you decide to work things out with them or move on and let them go, I am buying additional copies of this one for my children.

I was so confused and stuck and so glad I picked this up. I thank the authors for helping me find some peace during one of the most difficult and painful times in my life.
41 people found this helpful
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SK
1.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Don’t settle for a cheater
Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2021
I’m not a fan of forgiving someone who isn’t sorry. This book is for a doormat who has lost themselves. No one gets points for that in life. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. A better concept would be to learn to set boundaries and know what your... See more
I’m not a fan of forgiving someone who isn’t sorry. This book is for a doormat who has lost themselves. No one gets points for that in life. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. A better concept would be to learn to set boundaries and know what your dealbreakers are.
3 people found this helpful
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Judge Rusty Johnston
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Puts a different spin on forgiveness
Reviewed in the United States on September 24, 2013
I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it. In that time I have seem victims and victim''s families trying to cope with horrible things that have been... See more
I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it.

In that time I have seem victims and victim''s families trying to cope with horrible things that have been done to them. Often, the worst thing done to them is our Christian guilt trip that they are obliged to forgive the criminal that committed some terrible crime against them. 90% of the time, the criminal refuses to apologize, say he is sorry, or ask for forgiveness. I have seen families destroyed because they think they have to forgive some monster for killing their child.

So a few years ago I discovered "How Can I Forgive You?" book and it made a lot of since. Some people do not want, ask, or deserve to be forgiven. I, as the judge, am not in the forgiveness business that is for God. So, I purchased some of these books and when my heart tells me (as it did today)that somebody is really is in pain over this, I give them this book. I hope it helps. A murder victim''s son told me she had been trying to forgive the killer for 3 years but after reading this book she was at peace.

I don''t see a lot of peace in my profession but maybe in a small way this book has brought some people a little of it.
66 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Best forgiveness book I have found
Reviewed in the United States on November 16, 2014
This is a fantastic book. I recently separated from my husband after he physically abused me. I am not sure if I want to stay married or get a divorce, but regardless, I don''t want this incident to poison my life for years to come. In addition to the physical... See more
This is a fantastic book. I recently separated from my husband after he physically abused me. I am not sure if I want to stay married or get a divorce, but regardless, I don''t want this incident to poison my life for years to come.

In addition to the physical abuse, there has been a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on in this relationship for years. This escalated more after the birth of my now 2 year old child. I have been trying to forgive my husband for the way he has been treating me for years now, but it hasn''t worked. My mother sent me a book on forgiveness, and I couldn''t get through five pages of it. I''ve read articles online, and I couldn''t stomach them either. They just seem so empty - "forgive and forget" is the popular mantra. "It will make you feel so much better!" people claim.

I probably have an overdeveloped sense of justice, but it makes me feel dirty forgiving people who have done horrible things when they have done nothing to put them right. I''m just not okay with that. What is described in this book feels so much more complete and realistic to me.

I can learn to ACCEPT what others have done to me so that bad experiences do not poison my life. Spring says this is your best option when the person who wronged you will not (or is not capable of) making amends. This usually goes along with taking steps to protect yourself because this person will likely harm you again (i.e. In my case I could accept what my husband did, but still get a divorce.)

I can practice TRUE FORGIVENESS with a person who is truly making an effort to make amends. This does not mean everything has to go back to the way it was before (i.e. I could choose to stay with my husband or choose to get a divorce.) but this is the best option if the other person is willing to put out the effort and if you would like to have some sort of healthy relationship with them.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who needs to forgive (in some way, shape or form) but who cannot stomach the typical self-help forgiveness books; I think this book will be much more palatable to most people.
23 people found this helpful
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Marley
3.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Good as far as it goes, but doesn''t go too far.
Reviewed in the United States on September 17, 2014
I''m not usually impressed by self-help books. This one is better than most. The author recognizes that forgiveness is not always an option, and sensibly suggests that acceptance is nevertheless a possibility. But in discussing forgiveness, the author''s examples are all... See more
I''m not usually impressed by self-help books. This one is better than most. The author recognizes that forgiveness is not always an option, and sensibly suggests that acceptance is nevertheless a possibility. But in discussing forgiveness, the author''s examples are all pretty clear cut. The father who abandoned or abused his child, the husband who broke up the marriage with an affair. In life, it''s not always clear who owes whom an apology or for what offense. And a great deal of space is given to apologies so well-scripted they belong in the movies, not real life. Very little space is given to instances where apologies -- or requests for apology -- are simply ignored. Too bad. Author seems more sensitive to nuance than most, but doesn''t come through.
9 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Neil Denny allLD
2.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
There are many good books out there but this is not one of ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 23, 2014
I''m currently reading around forgiveness for some work I am preparing. There are many good books out there but this is not one of them for several reasons. The editorial decision to attribute male gender to the `Offender'' and female to the `Hurt party'' throughout the book...See more
I''m currently reading around forgiveness for some work I am preparing. There are many good books out there but this is not one of them for several reasons. The editorial decision to attribute male gender to the `Offender'' and female to the `Hurt party'' throughout the book is inexcusable. It really gets in the way of trying to hear what the author is saying without drawing attention to itself everytime the author does it, several times on each page. What a way to alienate half of your audience. When I started reading I thought I must have missed the bit on the back cover that said "A book for women about how to forgive." Seriously. I stopped reading the book and scoured the blurb and even the Amazon reviews. Secondly, the structure of the book, comprising as it does of four levels of forgiveness, of which (i think the author is saying) only one really counts is both clumsy and contrived. Some of the levels are not forgiveness issues at all but assertiveness issues. Finally, the approach adopted by the author in the retelling of her intervening in her clients forgiveness work feels highly directive, even confrontational. This might just be a stylisitc thing but in my on coaching work I prefer a more facilitative apporach where the client is invited to consider their own narratives and how they might be affected by the stories they tell. There''s a bit too much of "I did, I said, I asked" in this. The result is, unfortunately, that we are pulled up and we ask Is this about forgiveness, or is it about you? There are some good points in here but they are drowned out by that bizarre gender attribution and the author getting in her own way with a structure that does not make sense and her own high handed approach to aim for a perfect "Qualifying" forgiveness. A tough book to like.
4 people found this helpful
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Honeypie
4.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Helpful
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 4, 2007
My unwillingness to forgive my remorseful husband after his lenghty affair prompted me to get this book. It has been useful in understanding her concepts of "acceptance" versus "forgiveness" that give you more options than just forgiving and forgetting. I am still...See more
My unwillingness to forgive my remorseful husband after his lenghty affair prompted me to get this book. It has been useful in understanding her concepts of "acceptance" versus "forgiveness" that give you more options than just forgiving and forgetting. I am still struggling to forgive him even after reading this book several times, but it HAS helped me to focus my anger on what needs to be done by him to get forgiveness and by me to grant it. Worth a read for anyone who wants to forgive but can''t.
26 people found this helpful
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Pippa
2.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Not what it seemed
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on February 15, 2010
I found this book to be full of American hyperbole. Also, very many heavily religious references. I bought it, intending to lend it to my clients - I am a counsellor - who have experienced betrayal or loss of trust, but it isn''t suitable. I really don''t think that it...See more
I found this book to be full of American hyperbole. Also, very many heavily religious references. I bought it, intending to lend it to my clients - I am a counsellor - who have experienced betrayal or loss of trust, but it isn''t suitable. I really don''t think that it contains useful advice or anything that would comfort an anguished person.
6 people found this helpful
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Charlotte
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Five Stars
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 14, 2016
good quality product as described and quick delivery
One person found this helpful
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Denis T.
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
This book is a gift!
Reviewed in Canada on January 16, 2016
Amazing book... Very insightful and highly recommended to those having to wrestle with the worst kind of betrayal from a loved one and friend. Helped me put things in perspective, understand what I was feeling and allowed me to moved forward. Sometimes you can''t forgive......See more
Amazing book... Very insightful and highly recommended to those having to wrestle with the worst kind of betrayal from a loved one and friend. Helped me put things in perspective, understand what I was feeling and allowed me to moved forward. Sometimes you can''t forgive... but you must accept.
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How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online

How Can I Forgive lowest You?: The sale Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To online