Untangled: new arrival Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven outlet online sale Transitions into Adulthood outlet sale

Untangled: new arrival Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven outlet online sale Transitions into Adulthood outlet sale

Untangled: new arrival Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven outlet online sale Transitions into Adulthood outlet sale
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Description

Product Description

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • An award-winning guide to the sometimes erratic and confusing behavior of teenage girls that explains what’s going on, prepares parents for what’s to come, and lets them know when it’s time to worry.
 
Look for Under Pressure, the companion guide to coping with stress and anxiety among girls, available now.


In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct—and absolutely normal—developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including

• My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her, and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond?
• Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone?
• My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her?
• Where’s the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder?
• My teenage daughter wants to know why I’m against pot when it’s legal in some states. What should I say?
• My daughter’s friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl’s mother to let her know?

Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.

BOOKS FOR A BETTER LIFE AWARD WINNER

“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [ Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” The Washington Post

“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” The Boston Globe

Review

“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [ Untangled] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” The Washington Post

“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” The Boston Globe

“Damour offers a hopeful, helpful new way for parents to talk about—and with—teenage girls. . . . Parents will want this book on their shelves, next to established classics of the genre.” Publishers Weekly

“For years people have been asking me for the ‘girl equivalent of Raising Cain,’ and I haven''t known exactly what to recommend. Now I do.” —Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of Raising Cain

“An essential guide to understanding and supporting girls throughout their development. It’s obvious that Dr. Damour ‘gets’ girls and is one of the few experts in the field who works with them day in and day out. She clearly understands the best way for any adult to help them navigate the common yet difficult challenges so many girls face.” —Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes

Untangled is a gem. Lisa Damour deftly blends insights from her clinical experience working with girls, time-honored wisdom on adolescence, the latest social science and neuroscience research, and frank descriptions of cultural trends and media messages. From the moment I read the last page I’ve been recommending it to my clients (including those with sons!) and colleagues, and using it as a refreshing guide in my own work with teenagers and their parents.” —Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

“An arsenal of strategies to respond to your daughter’s ever-changing brain, feelings, and choices, Untangled will become your dog-eared travel guide to the mysterious world of teenage girls.” —Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out

“So chock-full of practical wisdom that I read it straight through twice, then recommended it to every person I know who has a daughter. This book will, no question, make you a better—and a saner—parent of your adolescent girl.” —Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls and Sex

“There are books about teenagers that are smart. And there are books about teenagers that are practical. Lisa Damour, thankfully, provides us with one that is both. With palpable empathy and understanding for adolescent girls and their families, Damour equips parents with a flexible blueprint for anticipating challenges and encouraging growth in their daughters. If you have a daughter (or were a daughter!), Untangled is mandatory reading.” —Madeline Levine, Ph.D., author of The Price of Privilege

About the Author

Lisa Damour, Ph.D., graduated with honors from Yale University, worked for the Yale Child Study Center, then received her doctorate in clinical psychology at the University of Michigan. She is the author of numerous academic papers and chapters related to education and child development. Dr. Damour directs Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, maintains a private psychotherapy practice, consults and speaks internationally, and is a faculty associate of the Schubert Center for Child Studies and a clinical instructor at Case Western Reserve University. She and her husband have two daughters and live in Shaker Heights, Ohio.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

one
 
Parting with Childhood
 
In the waiting room of my private practice, I met Maya for the first time. With an easy air, long limbs, and dark hair showing the beginnings of gray, she stood to greet me, then gracefully pivoted to return the magazine she’d been reading to its place on a low table, next to a lamp. She followed me to my office and took the far end of my couch. It’s not the closest spot to the armchair where I sit, but not so far away as a chair preferred by clients who want more distance. She kept her light jacket on—we were meeting on a crisp, sunny day in late October—and crossed her legs, clasped her hands, and leaned forward as we talked.
 
Over the phone, Maya told me that she was worried about the sudden change in her relationship with her twelve-year old daughter, Camille. In my office, she told a familiar story— one that we’ll consider in a totally new light.
 
Maya explained that until two months ago, Camille had been her funny, joyful companion who was almost always up for a trip to the library, grocery store, or mall. Yet at the start of seventh grade, Camille abruptly transformed. She came home from school and headed straight to her bedroom, where she closed the door and held marathon texting sessions with friends until required to join the family for dinner. Bewildered, Maya described how Camille sat sullenly at the dinner table and gave one-word answers to questions about her day. Even while saying so little, Camille managed to express that her parents were asking the dumbest questions she had ever heard and that sitting with them was the last thing she wanted to do.
 
Occasionally, the old Camille made a brief appearance; Maya’s eyes brimmed with tears as she described these savored moments. Most of the time, though, Maya felt angry with Camille for being so prickly, missed her warm relationship with her beloved girl, or experienced a wearying mix of both feelings at once. Maya’s friends reassured her that Camille was “normal” and that “girls break up with their parents when they become teenagers,” but Maya had called me anyway. She worried that something just wasn’t right.
 
Maya’s friends weren’t wrong, but their scope was too narrow and their viewpoint far too personal. They were missing the bigger picture. Girls don’t dump their parents just for the heck of it. They pull away to start their journey along one of the seven developmental strands of adolescence: parting with childhood. By age twelve most tweens feel a sudden, internal pressure to separate themselves from almost everything that seems childlike and, as Maya was learning the hard way, a girl’s pleasant relationship with her folks is usually one of the first casualties. Parting with childhood isn’t always the first developmental strand that girls tackle during adolescence, but it’s a strand that parents can’t miss. When girls distance themselves from their mom and dad they all but announce, “In case you guys hadn’t noticed, I’m a teenager now!”
 
If we step back from what feels like a highly personal rejection, we can appreciate that, when it comes to parting with childhood, our daughters have a lot of developmental ground to cover in a short time. They have to get from point A, where they happily hold our hands and act like total goofballs in public, to point B, where they claim the independence and self-determination that come with being young women and trade their goofiness for relatively mature behavior (at least when strangers are around). To progress along this strand, girls stop telling us their secrets, bristle when we use pet names, and make it clear that they’re doing us a favor by agreeing to join the family holiday picture. But a girl’s journey away from childhood isn’t all about her relationship with her parents. She might also experiment with makeup, suddenly insist that riding the school bus is for babies, and curse when with her friends.
 
Girls’ efforts to part with childhood are both conscious and not. Young teens admire older teens and fervently wish to be like them. I have my own ninth-grade flashbulb memory of watching a group of twelfth-grade girls, dressed in Madonna’s mid-’80s style, as they danced and lip-synced to “Borderline” during a talent show. They were beyond cool, and I remember resolving, in that moment, to close the gap between their lace gloved sophistication and my newly realized dorkiness. But a lot goes on behind the scenes in the unconscious mind, too. Even though they might not be aware of it, twelve-year-olds do the math and realize that, if all goes according to plan, they will be leaving home in five or six years. They suddenly feel pressed to prepare for adult independence by ridding themselves of the marks of childhood.
 
Maya had come to my office because she was worried that something was really wrong, and it’s my job to take parents’ concerns seriously. So I began to ask the questions that help me to know what was normal about Camille’s behavior, and what wasn’t: Was she rude to all adults, or just to her mom and dad? How were things at school and with her friends? Did she have interests, sleep well, and talk about what she wanted to do over the summer or next year?
 
Maya filled in the picture.
 
Teachers went out of their way to comment on Camille’s kind and conscientious nature. Camille dog-sat for the neighbors, and Maya heard the same about her from them. Maya explained that her daughter did well in school, had solid friendships, and spent hours each weekend on the family’s unfinished third floor, which she had turned into an elaborate apartment for her dolls. And though Maya suspected that she sometimes snuck her phone into her room for nighttime use, Camille usually slept well. She looked forward to going to camp each summer and also talked about her faraway goals to become a teacher or a scientist.
 
I reassured Maya that her friends were probably right—that her daughter’s prickly behavior was normal. Then I encouraged her to see the change in Camille from a new perspective: there were seven transitions she would be making as she journeyed toward adulthood, and parting with childhood was one of them. Camille was doing exactly what we expect—even want—teenagers to do. And she was doing what they have done at least since 1958, when Anna Freud noted that the typical teenager lives “in the home in the attitude of a boarder, usually a very inconsiderate one so far as the older and younger family members are concerned.” Despite the fact that it has long been normal for teenagers to hold their parents at arm’s length, most of us feel rocked by the seismic shift in our relationship with our daughter.
 
You’ll notice that Anna Freud’s wisdom appears throughout this book; there are two reasons for this. First, she holds a special place in the history of psychology for being among the first to articulate, and normalize, many of the predictable challenges that unfold during adolescence. Needless to say, this book aims to build upon that fine tradition. Second, she holds a special place in my heart because she played a small role in my decision to become a psychologist.
 
When I was six years old, my father’s work for an American bank transferred us from Denver to London for a few years and, by coincidence, a family friend made the same move in the same week. Carla, a reedy graduate student with a mane of wavy red hair, was headed to London to study with Anna Freud. My parents essentially adopted Carla, and she looked after me, their only child, over long weekends when they traveled together. Carla lived in north London, near Anna Freud’s training clinic, in a tiny flat consisting of a living room, a miniature mid-1970s British kitchen, a cramped bathroom, and a bedroom that was overwhelmed by the queen-sized bed we shared when I stayed over. The radiator in the kitchen ran on coins, and it soon became part of our weekend routine. Carla would save up pence between my visits and let me drop them into the radiator’s slot when I arrived. Then we’d sit in her kitchen and I’d start with my questions: “What brings the children to therapy? What do you say to them? What do they say to you? How does all that talking help them get better?” Carla was incredibly patient and generous with me. Replaying our conversations in my mind, I can hear how fully she addressed my curiosity about her work, even as she pitched her answers to a six-year-old.
 
I was hooked. Shortly after I turned seven, I walked into our London flat and announced to my mother, “I want to do what Carla does.” Nearly forty years later, Carla remains a close friend and mentor, and I remain grateful that she introduced me to a career that I have found deeply gratifying, both professionally and personally.

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 54.7 out of 5
2,460 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

hikemasters
3.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Good points but frustrating at times
Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2018
My wife and I are high school teachers who work with dozens of teenage girls every year. Many of the points she makes are valid and in every strand and anecdote, I see certain past and present students and experiences. There is one major area of disagreement and... See more
My wife and I are high school teachers who work with dozens of teenage girls every year. Many of the points she makes are valid and in every strand and anecdote, I see certain past and present students and experiences. There is one major area of disagreement and inconsistency in her logic i find frustrating.

On the one hand she states we should not just lay down the rules, we should explain their purpose in the context of safety, or personal social dynamics of future prospects. I complete agree. But then she basically tells us we HAVE to accept them breaking rules like drinking, smoking, going to parties, and sex. Because if we tell them no they will do it anyways. I reject this. If I explain the reasons for these rules, they should follow them. All studies show teenagers are better off careerwise, financially, and socially if they hold off on all of these as long as possible. We frankly do not care about their tribe when it does to their future. They will make more and better friends in college and career. Any friend willing to dump them because they did not drink at a party or didn''t attend is not a real friend. No teenager needs to have sex and boyfriends and drama distract from the main goal...grades and career readiness.

I am no prude, I know what teens do. But I will vigorous work with my daughter to make sure she understands our expectations and why they are there for her benefit.
730 people found this helpful
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M Pena
2.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Underestimates the power of a strong parent-child relationship
Reviewed in the United States on November 14, 2017
I wanted to love this book and it took me a couple of days to realize why I left this book so dissatisfied and depressed. While Dr. Damour''s description of adolescent girls felt familiar, it actually offers very little support and deeper understanding of why so many of our... See more
I wanted to love this book and it took me a couple of days to realize why I left this book so dissatisfied and depressed. While Dr. Damour''s description of adolescent girls felt familiar, it actually offers very little support and deeper understanding of why so many of our adolescents are suffering at such a wide and deep level--our teen culture is truly in crisis. Read Hold Onto Your kids by Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Mate for some sobering statistics on the current state of mental health with our adolescents. But unlike Dr. Damour, Dr. Gordon Neufeld offers a deeper understanding of the dynamics of attachment and child development and and how it is actually possible for parents to hold onto their kids through these tumultuous times and provide them with the support, love, and guidance that they ultimately need to mature, grow, and thrive. Untangled seems to resign all teens to their peer world, leaving parents to sit and hope and call in the professionals if it gets too bad. It simply under-estimates the true power of the parent-child relationship, particularly if this relationship has been the teen''s primary attachment throughout their childhood. I would highly recommend parents keep looking past this book for deeper understanding of attachment and how much more they can be to their children and their teens.
730 people found this helpful
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Man
2.0 out of 5 stars
Oh how I wanted to love this book
Reviewed in the United States on November 6, 2017
Oh how I wanted to love this book! Damour’s writing is so compassionate that it felt like I was talking with a good friend rather than reading a book. I loved the swimming pool analogy—realizing that these seemingly illogical actions have a purpose. Damour has... See more
Oh how I wanted to love this book! Damour’s writing is so compassionate that it felt like I was talking with a good friend rather than reading a book. I loved the swimming pool analogy—realizing that these seemingly illogical actions have a purpose. Damour has brilliantly categorized these seven strands, giving us all a useful paradigm with which to help us all navigate this tricky period.

She seemed to have so much wisdom and insight... and then I got to chapter 6. “Don’t moralize your children”--are you kidding? Of course I’ve got to “moralize” them—that’s my job! I don’t care if it’s unpopular. If I don’t do it, the rest of the world is going to do it for me, and you can bet they won’t have her best interests at heart. Even worse, Damour says that your precious teen can, and sometimes should shift the line of what she has already decided is her limit when she is in a romantic situation (!!!). I’m sorry—your “inner compass” isn’t going to work when you’re making out. The point is to decide ahead of time, knowing that when you’re being ruled by your emotions that you not going to make the best choices. Damour undoubtedly has spoken to numberless teens that feel guilty and used because they went way further than they wanted. Why didn’t she mention those?

Damour backpedals a bit in chapter 7, mildly encouraging the parent to teach their own religious/moral tradition. But for me, the damage had been done—Damour has lost my trust.

Our children’s agency is paramount, to be sure. We aren’t doing them any favors by coddling them and softening every blow every step of the way to adulthood. But there’s no way I’m going to send my daughter out into the world with a vague “inner compass” as her guide. I’m going to give her a clear picture of what’s right, what’s wrong, and the consequences of her actions, and then give her the freedom to choose what she will.
528 people found this helpful
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PeggyTop Contributor: Baby
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Excellent research-based book!
Reviewed in the United States on June 23, 2019
This book is a valuable resource for both parents raising a teenage daughter and for teachers who work with teenagers. Although I don''t agree with everything the authors say, I found it very beneficial to understand the stages teenage girls go through and the pressures they... See more
This book is a valuable resource for both parents raising a teenage daughter and for teachers who work with teenagers. Although I don''t agree with everything the authors say, I found it very beneficial to understand the stages teenage girls go through and the pressures they face- as this gives insight into their behavior and helps parents deal with it more appropriately. I have three daughters, and although every person is an individual, I see many "recurring themes", behaviors, and feelings in each of their lives. I especially like that this book is research-based, and that the authors give you the "why" of behaviors, which greatly helps in living with a teenager girl. I highly recommend this book. Please mark if you find my review helpful. Thank you so much!
107 people found this helpful
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tootalou
1.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Very liberal
Reviewed in the United States on February 10, 2020
I really liked the first half of the book. It was helpful to understand how not to take rejection personally and how to reasonably get in my daughters'' business. However, I was literally tearing pages out at the end so I could lend the book to my friend because there is a... See more
I really liked the first half of the book. It was helpful to understand how not to take rejection personally and how to reasonably get in my daughters'' business. However, I was literally tearing pages out at the end so I could lend the book to my friend because there is a confusing shift in tone regarding sex. It''s crazy, the philosophy that in this area and in this area only a parent''s concern should only be about what your child WANTS. Just help them make sure it''s what they want! Said no responsible parent ever. Try again think tank.
46 people found this helpful
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Shannon
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Such a great book! I felt like a weight lifted off ...
Reviewed in the United States on November 8, 2017
Such a great book! I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders after reading it - it was like reading my 12 year old''s (now 13) playbook!! She was dreading turning 13 and worried about being a terrible teen (the book actually opens with how people make those jokes about... See more
Such a great book! I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders after reading it - it was like reading my 12 year old''s (now 13) playbook!! She was dreading turning 13 and worried about being a terrible teen (the book actually opens with how people make those jokes about having a teenager in the house) - this gave me so many positive things to say to reassure her that teenager years were wonderful. I had checked it out of the library and after skimming through it once, ordered FOUR of these to share with friends and one for myself to mark up and dog ear so I had the scripts and reminders ready for when I needed them. It even reassured me that we handled a difficult situation with a "frenemy" pretty well this summer, even though I was full of doubt about what to do or say at the time. I highly recommend this book! I will say that some of the things the book says were not along our values BUT she is very clear about just giving a framework for discussion and you can put your own family''s moral stances into those conversations. Go buy it!
38 people found this helpful
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MS
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
this is a good complement to the "how to" books
Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2016
Hits the nail on the head on a lot of issues that I have observed with my almost 14 year old over the last two years. Not a "how to" book, but more of a book for understanding what is normal, what your girl is experiencing/feeling and why. For me, this is a good... See more
Hits the nail on the head on a lot of issues that I have observed with my almost 14 year old over the last two years. Not a "how to" book, but more of a book for understanding what is normal, what your girl is experiencing/feeling and why. For me, this is a good complement to the "how to" books, which are coping mechanisms, but don''t necessarily increase emphathy.
42 people found this helpful
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KMD San Diego
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
MUST READ for parents of pre-teen or teen girls
Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2017
MUST READ for parents of pre-teen or teen girls. It''s current, addressing the issues with social media and what''s become the odd "norm" (ugh). It''s not preachey, it''s not self-help style, it''s the story of a counselor at a school who talks directly with young... See more
MUST READ for parents of pre-teen or teen girls. It''s current, addressing the issues with social media and what''s become the odd "norm" (ugh). It''s not preachey, it''s not self-help style, it''s the story of a counselor at a school who talks directly with young girls. Seriously, I wish we''d all read this and get on the same-page with smart ways to deal with things like the 6th grader coming home and announcing her friend "is dating a boy". What that means, what to watch for, how to talk with her about it so she keeps telling mom what''s going on.
28 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

CR
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
SO practical and helpful from page 1 - I can''t recommend mend it highly enough
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 13, 2018
I just finished this book and found it incredibly practical and helpful from page 1 -- I can''t recommend mend it highly enough. I recognise so many of the behaviours the author describes in my own daughters and in myself. I think the most useful takeaway (validation) is...See more
I just finished this book and found it incredibly practical and helpful from page 1 -- I can''t recommend mend it highly enough. I recognise so many of the behaviours the author describes in my own daughters and in myself. I think the most useful takeaway (validation) is that conflict with my daughter doesn''t necessarily mean I''m a bad parent; it could mean I''m getting it right, or that some of what feels crazy is actually "normal" considering the development stages my daughter is going through, which she can''t be expected to understand or articulte. I appreciate that the advice is backed up by a lot of reputable research (20+ pages of bibliography references) but written in a very readable, non-academic way. I also appreciate the suggestions on how to word or say things and why it makes a difference. I''m going to make my husband read it too.
31 people found this helpful
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Pu55ycat1
4.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Accessible & helpful
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 25, 2020
As a fellow clinical psychologist from the uk, I''m pretty pleased with this book - it''s very accessible & down to earth with lots of helpful information about girl''s transitions through developmental stages from teens onwards. It''s definitely helping me understand my...See more
As a fellow clinical psychologist from the uk, I''m pretty pleased with this book - it''s very accessible & down to earth with lots of helpful information about girl''s transitions through developmental stages from teens onwards. It''s definitely helping me understand my child''s journey so far (age 9) & some of the snags we''ve already begun to hit & ways to manage them as I work with adults & am pretty rusty on all the child stuff. It is a bit of a shame they''ve bothered to bring out a UK version but All they seem to have done is change ''grades'' to ''years'' when talking about which class kids are in at school, there are still lots of Americanisms eg talking about attending varsity that won''t mean much to the UK market which seems a bit sloppy, but not a huge issue. I don''t necessarily agree with all the advice given but it''s written in such a way it can be adapted for what suits your family & I''m hoping this book will help us/me continue to survive throughout the teenage years.
10 people found this helpful
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Magnus Smith
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Really really good
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 18, 2018
I bought four of the top-rated books on Amazon about teenage brains/troubles. This was by far the best.
21 people found this helpful
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M. Fecht
5.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Really practical but informative guide.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 23, 2018
This was recommended to me but a friend. My daughter started year 7 and there was a lot of change happening which made me feel a bit lost. This book helped with explaining changes that girls go through. Helpful real life scenarios with some of her clients, and each section...See more
This was recommended to me but a friend. My daughter started year 7 and there was a lot of change happening which made me feel a bit lost. This book helped with explaining changes that girls go through. Helpful real life scenarios with some of her clients, and each section ends with a When To Worry Section. Made me realise my daughter was “normal” and helped me understand a bit what was going through her head. Really recommend.
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Babyblade
4.0 out of 5 starsVerified Purchase
Must read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 4, 2018
So good I read it twice and have recommended to my friends with pre-teen and teen daughters. Some really valuable insights and advice. Some of the suggested "scripts" are a bit awkward (hence 4 stars not 5) but they are simple enough to tweak to something a bit more...See more
So good I read it twice and have recommended to my friends with pre-teen and teen daughters. Some really valuable insights and advice. Some of the suggested "scripts" are a bit awkward (hence 4 stars not 5) but they are simple enough to tweak to something a bit more natural. The author is also American and refers to the American school grade system which has different years/grades to the UK system - it''s not a big problem but worth noting.
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